Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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