Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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