i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
