I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
