i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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