I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
