The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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