Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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