I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
