A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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