you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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