i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize