In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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