you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Success! We fucked roommates!
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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