i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
