I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
This is classic penis vs brain.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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