I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
