she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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