so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
