After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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