guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
