tell your sister to shave her snatch
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I take back everything I said about communal showers
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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