oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
