You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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