Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Such a big mess for such a small penis
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
