You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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