Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
