adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I am one with the molecules
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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