My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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