If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
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