Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
one might say we're banned from that church
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
