I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
its liver damage thursday
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
