Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
