mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize