Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
