I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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