So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
