i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize