Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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