i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
