I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Randomize
