Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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