Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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