His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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