I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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