After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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