Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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