guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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