If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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