i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
