I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
