My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I want to fling myself into the sun
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
