i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
