i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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