hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
