as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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