I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
